Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
