It's Friday. Sex?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
