I haven't been this sober since birth.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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