Quick, to the slutcave!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
COCAINE IS GR8
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
