wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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