I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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