i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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