She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
