census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
