I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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