just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
