Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
