Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
