Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
