youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
