Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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