Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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