dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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