It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Let's paint friendship bongs
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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