He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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