dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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