I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
