If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
