Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
