i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
