Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There's even glitter on my cock...
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