Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
