Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
