So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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