my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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