She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
