dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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