I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize