There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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