All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That accounts for only three of the penises
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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