She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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