Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
