my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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