i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
