If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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