Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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