All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize