We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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