If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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