I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
