Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Please don't give away my fajitas
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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