just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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