I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
