Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
