Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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