I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
