I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
