tonight lets celebrate not being married
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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