If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
