Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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