So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
