Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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