I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
