if i can run in heels then i can drive
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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