Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
